Finding Out Who I’ve Always Been All Along

Wednesday, March 15, 2022

This One is for the Ladies

(And men if you feel so inclined & at the bottom there’s a message for you too)

Two years ago around this time of year I would have never imagined what lay ahead for me today.

At that time I had just gotten off the Arizona Trail. It would have been my first thru-hike. I didn’t want to leave yet Covid pulled us off the trail and we needed to be with our families. We is Jan, Dave, my hiking buddies and I.

Two years ago at this time as well I lost my remote job at a startup, lost my dog Maggy to cancer, was living with mom since I had sold my home in California, was single and solo after my divorce 5 years previous and had no idea what to do with my life going forward.

The only thing I was certain of is I wanted more meaningful relationships with my kids and loved ones. Too much time and anger seperated me from being able to love fully, the way people you love deserve.

I spent a lot of time alone trying to heal my toxic ways. Years.

But I learned that you can only heal by letting others in. This is the true hard part of healing – trusting others. And trusting yourself to find others to trust.

When I heading out on the road to live full time in Minnie Rambles back in July 2020 I still spent a lot of time alone; I wasn’t ready for interaction with anyone. I needed to explore and, it’s cliché, but to find out who I am again, the Allison I once wanted to be as a kid. Don’t mistake this for the things I always wanted but the person I always wanted to be and I feel I was as a kid – compassionate.

When I was a kid I stood up against bullies and cared deeply about the state of other humans. Yet somewhere along the way as I grew older, I lost this. I had become cynical and, I hate to admit, mean. I was especially mean to the people closest to me. Isn’t that a tragedy? It’s like I knew they’d still love me even as a monster.

I lost who I was and the sad thing was I had no clue, I was ignorant to who I had become.

Over the last decade or so I’ve had to deconstruct me. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I say the things I say? What caused me to be so cynical towards people? Who do I actually want to be? So many questions and self analysis. It was exhausting at times.

I thought I actually had to become someone I wasn’t this whole time – all those years. But honestly, I simply needed to seek the inner me at 12 years old. She was carefree, loving, wholesome, fun, had amazing friends, loved life, had hope and confidence. Where did I lose all that? Was she still in there?

YES.

She is still there.

I’m not confusing seeking to be like I was as a kid with being an adult that’s childish. By no means do I seek to be a child again or have childish behavior. I know I have adult responsibities and an adult mind. I simply want and need to be her but all grown up.

This is where I feel I’m finally getting to today.

Since July 2020 I’ve sought the outdoors in hiking, backpacking and, hell, living out here in my RV. I’ve also traveled. These are all things I craved as a kid. Why not be that kid in my heart?

I’m starting to see her come out again! The carefree, loving, wholesome, fun, has amazing friends, loves life, has hope and confidence WOMAN.

Here I am at 50 years old feeling like a kid again but in a woman’s body with a woman’s heart and a woman’s mind. Sure experiences and knowledge of worldly affairs have hardened me a bit over the years and that’s a good thing, I’d like to think I’m not so naive and I’ve learned from these experiences.

Why can’t we have the heart of our inner child but with the mind and body of an adult?

I don’t want that hardened heart anymore. I want to know about the harshness of reality yet not let it change who I am inside.

Today I still struggle with a few aspects of my personality I don’t like, this may always be something I work on. But I can say, because I have made huge strides to be a more compassionate and simply good person, my relationships are flourishing! Today I’m closer to my adult kids and the people I love. I’ve learned that they are what truly matters in life; they fill a place in my heart I can’t.

Throughout this healing journey one thing has stood out the most and was the hardest to learn – I had to have compassion for myself. I had to accept that I fail a lot but it’s not the end, ever. I learned to be kind to Allison first so I can then be kind to others.

To any ladies reading this, be kind to yourself then you can be kind to others. You can’t give what you don’t have already in your heart.

To the ladies reading this that are in my life right now – THANK YOU. You’ve helped me along this journey to find my inner kind self. I love you dearly.

I know this is a reflection is for the ladies but to the wonderful men out there, thank you for your strength in supporting the women in your lives, accepting and loving the women they have always wanted to be and encouraging it.